Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with social media? One feature that I love is when I’m shown my “Memories.” My heart was warmed when an almost forgotten blast from the past popped up with the sweet faces of all eight of my kiddos on a playground slide together. What I hated was the reminder… It was 11 years ago. That’s overwhelming! It feels like it was yesterday.
I sat there reflecting on that day at the playground. I remembered the cajoling and threatening it took to get them all on that slide and all looking in my direction. Hey, I’m a mom of eight children; I had to reduce my expectations from all smiling perfectly to all looking my way … “It was the best of days; it was the worst of days” rings in my mind.
Starting at the top and moving down, I thought about who they have become eleven short years later; an accountant with his Master’s degree working on a CPA, a 9th-grade public school English teacher, a full-time FCA missionary, a soon-to-be Oncology nurse, an EMT working toward being a paramedic, a full-time college student pursuing a degree in Administration of Justice, a ballerina waltzing in her umpteenth Nutcracker, and a feline-adopting wanna-be veterinarian. I never could have dreamed big enough to have imagined all that was squished on the slide that sunny day on the playground!
All these thoughts led me to think, “Boy, have I learned a bunch while on this adventure with my children.” That sweet, younger momma behind that camera has grown up as well! I learned a few lessons along the way that I’m happy to pass on to you, as you are on your way on your own Mom adventure.
1. Begin with your end in mind!
This is one gem that an older homeschool mom handed off to me as I began. Ask yourself the question, “What do I want them to be like when they are grown up?” Then, set your sights on that. I wanted grown-ups that loved the Lord, loved others and each other, and loved to learn. I could probably write an entire book on how we tried to work it out… but I’ll only offer a few helpful tips for now.
First, if you want children who love the Lord, – you’ll need to have a relationship with the Lord that makes them want what you have. Invest in your spiritual journey first. You won’t be able to give them what you don’t have.
Teaching them to “love others and each other” has entire sections devoted to them…keep reading!
Let me focus on the “love to learn” part. I wanted well-educated children who understand the world and have wide fields of interests. Early on, I devoured books and checklists to make sure I was “covering everything they needed to know”. And, to prove it, I subjected them to good-old, standardized tests. Even silly, insecure me realized the limitation of what the ridiculous tests could tell me, but it was mandated by the state– so we did it anyway.
Years into this teach & test method, I decided it was actually hindering my quest to produce a love of learning. Who loves to learn only to be tested to prove it? NO ONE, ever. Besides, we wanted to learn things that were never included on standardized tests. We wanted a non-standardized education. We wanted a customized education! One tailored to fit the specific person it was designed for and not something off the assembly line of one-size-fits-all. My children are each beautifully and uniquely created for a purpose God has made just for them.
So I stopped testing. Really, it was that simple. I just decided we didn’t need to do it any longer and never looked back. The freedom this brought is almost indescribable. No more struggling with fears of not doing enough. No more comparisons (for both myself and my students). No more “we have to” study a certain subject a certain way or at a specific time. Freedom was becoming more than just a word; we were experiencing freedom!
Another side note on testing is why on earth would we lower our standards to the lowest common denominator of what a standardized (may I add “for profit”) testing company feels is important to learn? Please set your standards according to what the Lord leads you to for your family. Don’t settle for low standards. Have you seen the US scores in math and science compared to the rest of the world?
2. The daily conversations matter more than you realize!
The quantity of time you spend together will become quality time. All those hours and hours spent on family vacations, shared read-alouds, holiday traditions after-church conversations, family dinners, discipline times, van times, cleaning the garage, etc., etc., etc. add up to a deep well of wisdom you have shared together.
You won’t realize, in the moments, that you are shaping their hearts and minds. This shaping takes years to complete. Recently, one of my adult children told me about a couple having difficulty in their marriage. He relayed how a conversation between us when he was a young elementary student had impacted his view on marriage forever. He had come home from playing with a new friend whose parents were about to get divorced. He asked me, “Would you and Dad ever get divorced?”. He told me that I looked him straight in the eye and told him that was never going to happen. We had made a promise to God and to each other and meant to keep it, no matter what. The “No Matter What” became his standard for marriage that day.
Be intentional. Create deep wells filled with daily conversations. Everything you share is an education.
3. Learn alongside them!
As I began teaching the kids, I quickly realized the gaps in my education. But homeschooling gave me a second chance to learn alongside them. In fact, God is still trying to get me to learn algebra (for the 8th time), but I digress…
History, Science and Apologetics are all wonderful God-infused subjects I learned with them. I promise you– once you get to teach something, you get to really get to learn it too. Not only learning the material but getting a valuable opportunity to learn how to teach it to all ages has been an amazing gift of homeschooling.
The homeschool journey has been a learning journey for me, too. I’ve developed my very own “love to learn!”
4. Pull them out of their “own little worlds”!
I learned that my human nature loves to live in my own little world, which is all about me. Our kids are no different. We need to be intentional about expanding their world to include a bigger one outside of themselves. Here are a few tips:
• Limit extracurriculars. Yes, they are good things! We have had tons of experience with them–orchestras, sports teams, drama, ballet, horseback riding lessons, youth group, Awana, music lessons, camps, etc. etc. But, when we didn’t intentionally limit these activities, everyone was off and running to their own little worlds, every single night of the week. And truly, the benefits of the activities proved to be much less than the cost of the family time they took away.
• Limit screen time. My English teacher son is now leading the charge for less screen time. The long-term effects of the screens on children are just beginning to be known, and it’s not good. My advice: hold off on handing their childhood over to a screen. Read a lot of books, play board games. go on hikes, build forts, play music–and so on –together instead!
Now for a couple of proactive things you can do:
• Volunteer & serve together. Find opportunities or make them. Do things for others outside of your own little world. The impact will be more than you realize.
• Be consistent. Don’t give up. My husband has been doing a Japanese student ministry for 31 years. It’s amazing to see what consistently seeing beyond yourself can do after years and years. Also, give yourself permission to drag your children kicking and screaming to the opportunities to serve if that’s what you must do. Trust the Lord will work in their hearts to give them the desire to love others (remember, you once upon a time didn’t like to eat healthy food either.) Just do it; it matters. And keep doing it. We have had amazing changes come in our children’s hearts as we kept on. Rome wasn’t built in a day; our children’s hearts aren’t either.
5. Invest in your relationships with your spouse and family!
At the start of the journey, throwing my whole heart into motherhood and teaching my kids was easy. This focus quickly became the all-consuming, most important thing. But it shouldn’t be. The relationships –my relationships with my husband and my children–should always come first.
This is going to ruffle a few feathers… Stop letting co-ops or groups take the place of your family. Calm down; I’m not saying these are bad or wrong. I just know from experience that sometimes co-ops and groups can begin to dictate your time and direction more than you and your spouse do. Friendships with peers can also begin to pull your kids away from their relationships with you, your husband, and their siblings. Be willing to honestly evaluate the relational costs of joining in. Don’t let coops and groups replace your family!
Make investment in your spouse first and let everything else overflow from that investment. It’s taken many years and lots of mistakes to learn this one. A strong marriage teaches more effectively than any other aspect of education can. Let your children see you putting your spouse first, let them see your affection (and if you aren’t feeling affectionate… ask yourself why and get the time and help you need to rekindle that!). Go away often together– minus the kids. Go on walks together, shop together, run together, read together, go overnight together, and take wonderful trips together, camping if you need to afford it. Seriously, it took me years to see the extreme value in this and to let go of some of my control issues. Trust me – your kids will thank you later for showing them what a loving relationship looks like. They are learning much more about life by what they see than from what you say.
6. Focus on real life instead of curriculum!
I am a self-diagnosed “curriculum junkie” with no known cure for this malady. I love books. I love learning. I love a good teacher’s guide with all the “answers” most of all. But real-life learning trumps any and all curriculum every time.
Real life is all around you! Look back at point #1 – Do you want adults who know how to cook? Teach them to cook. Do you want adults who know how to use tools? Teach them to build. Do you want adults who value their health and body? Teach them to exercise. Do you want adventurous adults? Take them on adventures. Do you want adults who love people of all types and ages? Give them opportunities to grow in this now. It’s really that simple.
Meaningful work matters. Give them meaningful chores and responsibilities. Teach them that choices have consequences and let real life discipline them.
Share how your faith and your choices have impacted your life. Don’t only focus on teaching a curriculum; teach them how to live.
7. Having fun is extremely important!
Don’t let fear steal the joy and freedom of the mom adventure! I always say, “Life is hard; you can laugh or cry… I’d rather laugh!” Find ways to bring the fun back into learning … Cook crazy dishes from around the world, make silly crafts, take random “SOS - save our sanity” - spontaneous days off and do nothing (plan it if you must!). Create fun traditions like “first day of school = Chick-fil-A with no schoolwork” or “eating frozen pizza on the good china” out-of-the-blue, just because nights. If you need a day off, take it and refuse to feel guilty!
By the way, the checked-off boxes on the teacher’s guide don’t mean they learned it. I’ve realized there needs to be a place on the transcript to check off if we enjoyed learning it! Our fun times together are unforgettable!
Ignite their wonder and curiosity! If your plans and schedules are holding you like a vise, CHANGE THEM!
8. Travel, travel, and travel some more!
I wish I could have told younger me to throw the kids in the van and just go places more often. You don’t have to go far –you can travel in your own city or state. But make it a priority to get out of your daily environment and go see something new…often!
Field trips are fabulous. We learned so much more exploring the zoo, museums, and parks than we ever did sitting at our desks. Bonus learning happens when you get the entire family–including dad–involved.
Learn how to manage your budget to include travel. Give up the subscriptions, drive older vehicles, skip the lattes (ha! what homeschooling momma gets those??). Save all your pennies to show your kids the world. It’s one of the best investments you can make!
Well…that’s all for now. I hope that, as you read these, you felt inspired and not weighted down to add more to-dos to your checklists. I am praying that the Lord will show you the unique paths He has planned for you and your family.
I’m cheering you on as you take your own mom adventure. You got this!
Blessings,
Renita
