The Power of Having More

 

We have sixteen kids.  Yes, you read it correctly, sixteen.  Trust me, I never planned to do this, really!

 

Our son recently got married. (It was beautiful!) As I looked at the big wedding party, mostly made up of his siblings, I realized what a gift they are to each other!

 

Long ago, silly younger me thought she’d have one (maybe two) children.  She’d happily send them off to daycare and continue the pursuit of her “important” career.  I bet God was laughing at me, I know He has a great sense of humor!

 

Well, much of those “important” career thoughts began to change the moment I held my first son and looked at those innocent eyes.  I think I started to glimpse the most important career I’d ever have the privilege to participate in… raising my children.

 

Fast forward a few years and a few more sons, and I was in what I like to call my “wrestling match” phase with God.  I was still unsure of His plan and still trying to hold onto my own plans.  I had three sons and our first daughter (four kids, who would have thought…). I was well aware of my inadequacies as a mother.  I was way out of my league already.  Certainly, it couldn’t be in their best interest for me to have MORE.   I argued all my best points with the Lord.  But HE won our wrestling match with the arrival of another positive pregnancy test.  I stopped arguing and said, “Yes, Lord” to all the blessings He wanted to give us.  And I made Him promise to show up and help since all of this was HIS idea anyway!

 

My “yes” became eight amazing humans!  Four boys and four girls (so many people say, “How perfect, did you plan it that way?”)  Ha!  I didn’t have a clue, and I could have never even imagined!  I know you’re wondering how did eight turn into sixteen?  Well, after tragedy struck our family (that’s a different post).  The LORD expanded my vision again and brought an amazing man, also with eight children into our lives.  Believe me, God’s plan always involves multiplication!

 

Back to the wedding…. Seeing all of them standing together made me realize a few things I want to share about the blessing found in having more children.

 

They are never alone or lonely.

 Loneliness is a massive issue in today’s society. People have become isolated from real-time, face-to-face, one-on-one relationships and live instead in online communities while feeling completely alone.  

 

I can testify a cure for loneliness is sharing a room with 3-4 of your built-in best friends.  In fact, I think some alone time is more of an issue than loneliness in our family! 

 

But, joking aside -“God sets the lonely in families…” Psalm 68:6.  I think much of the loneliness found today could be cured by expanding families.   Now, before you start to object, let me suggest that there are other ways to expand your family than another positive pregnancy test.  We have intentionally added many “others” to our clan - step-siblings, good friends who feel like family, and even strangers we have adopted who have become part of our family.  

 

Be open to giving God your “yes” - See what He does!

 

They have built-in support and accountability partners.

 One of my pastors used to say, “No one is less impressed by you than your siblings.” Isn’t that the truth?

 

My kiddos unashamedly tell each other the “truth”.  When one is being less than kind, another one of them calls them to account for it.  When one of them has an achievement worth celebrating, guess who are the first ones cheering?

 

We need people in our lives who will be our greatest support, and we need real voices to tell us when we are missing the mark.  No one does that better than a sibling who has known you in all your phases (oh my, remember junior high!) and isn’t fooled by the persona you want others to believe.  They really know you and love you anyway, even when they would rather ship you off to live somewhere else!

  

There is power in the numbers. 

 My family loves the movie Cheaper by the Dozen (of course we do!). Especially the scene where the siblings take out the bully who was attacking one of the younger siblings.

 

There is power in having people who have your back.  I have seen my children want to tear each other apart, only to come together as a FORCE when an attack has come from the outside.

 

Though multiple cross-country moves, unimaginable losses, big transitions, new relationships, heartbreak, and celebrations, the bond that they shared has been a testimony to the goodness of God.

 

I believe God has given them each other as part of His greater plan.  Foster that spirit in your kiddos, help protect the special gift that they are to each other.  Do all that you can to encourage them to love each other.

 

As I watched the clean-up commence after the wedding, I saw, once again, how wonderful it is to have the power of multiplication at work. The adage, “Many hands make light work,” certainly applies to a big family. With everyone pitching in, big tasks get accomplished in no time.  

 

Don’t let those seemingly endless days of diapers, car seats, countless pb & j sandwiches, and phonics lessons over and over… intimidate you.   Those intense times are just a short season.  There are massive blessings ahead!

 

Your nest is not empty.

The season of child raising is a fairly short one; ask any older person–it flies by in the blink of an eye.  If we had stopped with just a few children, we’d already be on to “retirement” trying to figure out the best way to entertain ourselves.   

I’m grateful we are still in the game (especially at our age!), still raising world changers, and still actively pursuing God’s plan for our family.  

I have endless conversations with smart, funny, godly growing adults that challenge me to be a better person.  They even tell me how to best live my life and make smart decisions.. .(though they’ve never lived an ounce where they are giving expert advice. There are people to give me a ride anywhere I want to go and countless home-cooked dinners (by someone who cooks much better than I do). Not to mention the joyous celebrations to share together as more family is added to our number! (Grandkids are coming…)

 

 “Let us not become weary in doing good,

 for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest 

if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 

  

I hope I can be used to encourage you to grow your family.  Let God show you His plan, and be bold enough to believe Him!

 

Blessings,

Renita

Eight Lessons From My Mom Adventure

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with social media?  One feature that I love is when I’m shown my “Memories.”  My heart was warmed when an almost forgotten blast from the past popped up with the sweet faces of all eight of my kiddos on a playground slide together.  What I hated was the reminder… It was 11 years ago.   That’s overwhelming! It feels like it was yesterday.

 

I sat there reflecting on that day at the playground.  I remembered the cajoling and threatening it took to get them all on that slide and all looking in my direction.  Hey, I’m a mom of eight children; I had to reduce my expectations from all smiling perfectly to all looking my way …  “It was the best of days; it was the worst of days” rings in my mind.

 

Starting at the top and moving down, I thought about who they have become eleven short years later;  an accountant with his Master’s degree working on a CPA, a 9th-grade public school English teacher, a full-time FCA missionary, a soon-to-be Oncology nurse, an EMT working toward being a paramedic, a full-time college student pursuing a degree in Administration of Justice, a ballerina waltzing in her umpteenth Nutcracker, and a feline-adopting wanna-be veterinarian.  I never could have dreamed big enough to have imagined all that was squished on the slide that sunny day on the playground!  

 

All these thoughts led me to think, “Boy, have I learned a bunch while on this adventure with my children.”  That sweet, younger momma behind that camera has grown up as well!  I learned a few lessons along the way that I’m happy to pass on to you, as you are on your way on your own Mom adventure.

 

1. Begin with your end in mind!  

This is one gem that an older homeschool mom handed off to me as I began.  Ask yourself the question, “What do I want them to be like when they are grown up?” Then, set your sights on that.  I wanted grown-ups that loved the Lord, loved others and each other, and loved to learn.  I could probably write an entire book on how we tried to work it out… but I’ll only offer a few helpful tips for now.

 

First, if you want children who love the Lord, – you’ll need to have a relationship with the Lord that makes them want what you have. Invest in your spiritual journey first. You won’t be able to give them what you don’t have.

 

Teaching them to “love others and each other” has entire sections devoted to them…keep reading!

 

Let me focus on the “love to learn” part. I wanted well-educated children who understand the world and have wide fields of interests.  Early on, I devoured books and checklists to make sure I was “covering everything they needed to know”. And, to prove it, I subjected them to good-old, standardized tests.  Even silly, insecure me realized the limitation of what the ridiculous tests could tell me, but it was mandated by the state– so we did it anyway.  

 

Years into this teach & test method, I decided it was actually hindering my quest to produce a love of learning.  Who loves to learn only to be tested to prove it? NO ONE, ever. Besides, we wanted to learn things that were never included on standardized tests.  We wanted a non-standardized education.  We wanted a customized education!  One tailored to fit the specific person it was designed for and not something off the assembly line of one-size-fits-all.  My children are each beautifully and uniquely created for a purpose God has made just for them.

 

So I stopped testing.  Really, it was that simple.  I just decided we didn’t need to do it any longer and never looked back.  The freedom this brought is almost indescribable.  No more struggling with fears of not doing enough.  No more comparisons (for both myself and my students).  No more “we have to” study a certain subject a certain way or at a specific time.  Freedom was becoming more than just a word; we were experiencing freedom!

 

Another side note on testing is why on earth would we lower our standards to the lowest common denominator of what a standardized (may I add “for profit”) testing company feels is important to learn?   Please set your standards according to what the Lord leads you to for your family. Don’t settle for low standards. Have you seen the US scores in math and science compared to the rest of the world?

 

2. The daily conversations matter more than you realize!

The quantity of time you spend together will become quality time.  All those hours and hours spent on family vacations, shared read-alouds, holiday traditions after-church conversations, family dinners, discipline times, van times, cleaning the garage, etc., etc., etc. add up to a deep well of wisdom you have shared together.

 

You won’t realize, in the moments, that you are shaping their hearts and minds.  This shaping takes years to complete.  Recently, one of my adult children told me about a couple having difficulty in their marriage.  He relayed how a conversation between us when he was a young elementary student had impacted his view on marriage forever.  He had come home from playing with a new friend whose parents were about to get divorced.  He asked me, “Would you and Dad ever get divorced?”.  He told me that I looked him straight in the eye and told him that was never going to happen. We had made a promise to God and to each other and meant to keep it, no matter what.  The “No Matter What” became his standard for marriage that day.  

 

Be intentional.  Create deep wells filled with daily conversations.  Everything you share is an education.

 

3.  Learn alongside them!

As I began teaching the kids,  I quickly realized the gaps in my education.  But homeschooling gave me a second chance to learn alongside them.  In fact, God is still trying to get me to learn algebra (for the 8th time), but I digress…

 

History, Science and Apologetics are all wonderful God-infused subjects I learned with them.  I promise you– once you get to teach something, you get to really get to learn it too.  Not only learning the material but getting a valuable opportunity to learn how to teach it to all ages has been an amazing gift of homeschooling.

 

The homeschool journey has been a learning journey for me, too.  I’ve developed my very own “love to learn!”  

 

4.  Pull them out of their “own little worlds”!

I learned that my human nature loves to live in my own little world, which is all about me.  Our kids are no different.  We need to be intentional about expanding their world to include a bigger one outside of themselves.  Here are a few tips:

 

• Limit extracurriculars.  Yes, they are good things!  We have had tons of experience with them–orchestras, sports teams, drama, ballet, horseback riding lessons, youth group, Awana, music lessons, camps, etc. etc.  But, when we didn’t intentionally limit these activities, everyone was off and running to their own little worlds, every single night of the week.  And truly, the benefits of the activities proved to be much less than the cost of the family time they took away.  

 

• Limit screen time.  My English teacher son is now leading the charge for less screen time. The long-term effects of the screens on children are just beginning to be known, and it’s not good.  My advice: hold off on handing their childhood over to a screen.  Read a lot of books, play board games. go on hikes, build forts, play music–and so on –together instead!

 

Now for a couple of proactive things you can do:  

 

• Volunteer & serve together.  Find opportunities or make them.  Do things for others outside of your own little world.  The impact will be more than you realize.

 

• Be consistent. Don’t give up. My husband has been doing a Japanese student ministry for 31 years.  It’s amazing to see what consistently seeing beyond yourself can do after years and years.  Also, give yourself permission to drag your children kicking and screaming to the opportunities to serve if that’s what you must do.  Trust the Lord will work in their hearts to give them the desire to love others (remember, you once upon a time didn’t like to eat healthy food either.)  Just do it; it matters.  And keep doing it. We have had amazing changes come in our children’s hearts as we kept on. Rome wasn’t built in a day; our children’s hearts aren’t either. 

 

5.  Invest in your relationships with your spouse and family!

At the start of the journey, throwing my whole heart into motherhood and teaching my kids was easy.  This focus quickly became the all-consuming, most important thing.  But it shouldn’t be.  The relationships –my relationships with my husband and my children–should always come first.  

 

This is going to ruffle a few feathers… Stop letting co-ops or groups take the place of your family.  Calm down; I’m not saying these are bad or wrong.  I just know from experience that sometimes co-ops and groups can begin to dictate your time and direction more than you and your spouse do.  Friendships with peers can also begin to pull your kids away from their relationships with you, your husband, and their siblings.  Be willing to honestly evaluate the relational costs of joining in. Don’t let coops and groups replace your family!

 

Make investment in your spouse first and let everything else overflow from that investment.  It’s taken many years and lots of mistakes to learn this one.  A strong marriage teaches more effectively than any other aspect of education can.  Let your children see you putting your spouse first, let them see your affection (and if you aren’t feeling affectionate… ask yourself why and get the time and help you need to rekindle that!).  Go away often together– minus the kids. Go on walks together, shop together, run together, read together, go overnight together, and take wonderful trips together, camping if you need to afford it.  Seriously, it took me years to see the extreme value in this and to let go of some of my control issues.  Trust me – your kids will thank you later for showing them what a loving relationship looks like.  They are learning much more about life by what they see than from what you say.  

 

6.  Focus on real life instead of curriculum!

I am a self-diagnosed “curriculum junkie” with no known cure for this malady.  I love books. I love learning.  I love a good teacher’s guide with all the “answers” most of all. But real-life learning trumps any and all curriculum every time.  

 

Real life is all around you!  Look back at point #1 – Do you want adults who know how to cook?  Teach them to cook.  Do you want adults who know how to use tools?  Teach them to build.  Do you want adults who value their health and body?  Teach them to exercise.  Do you want adventurous adults?  Take them on adventures.  Do you want adults who love people of all types and ages?  Give them opportunities to grow in this now. It’s really that simple.

 

Meaningful work matters.  Give them meaningful chores and responsibilities. Teach them that choices have consequences and let real life discipline them.

 

Share how your faith and your choices have impacted your life.  Don’t only focus on teaching a curriculum; teach them how to live.

 

7.  Having fun is extremely important!

Don’t let fear steal the joy and freedom of the mom adventure!  I always say, “Life is hard; you can laugh or cry…  I’d rather laugh!”  Find ways to bring the fun back into learning … Cook crazy dishes from around the world, make silly crafts, take random “SOS - save our sanity” - spontaneous days off and do nothing (plan it if you must!).  Create fun traditions like “first day of school = Chick-fil-A with no schoolwork” or “eating frozen pizza on the good china” out-of-the-blue, just because nights.  If you need a day off, take it and refuse to feel guilty! 

 

By the way, the checked-off boxes on the teacher’s guide don’t mean they learned it.  I’ve realized there needs to be a place on the transcript to check off if we enjoyed learning it!  Our fun times together are unforgettable! 

 

Ignite their wonder and curiosity!  If your plans and schedules are holding you like a vise, CHANGE THEM!  

 

 

8.  Travel, travel, and travel some more!

I wish I could have told younger me to throw the kids in the van and just go places more often.  You don’t have to go far –you can travel in your own city or state. But make it a priority to get out of your daily environment and go see something new…often!

 

Field trips are fabulous. We learned so much more exploring the zoo, museums, and parks than we ever did sitting at our desks.  Bonus learning happens when you get the entire family–including dad–involved.

 

Learn how to manage your budget to include travel.  Give up the subscriptions, drive older vehicles, skip the lattes (ha! what homeschooling momma gets those??).  Save all your pennies to show your kids the world.  It’s one of the best investments you can make!

 

Well…that’s all for now.  I hope that, as you read these, you felt inspired and not weighted down to add more to-dos to your checklists.  I am praying that the Lord will show you the unique paths He has planned for you and your family.

 

I’m cheering you on as you take your own mom adventure. You got this!

 

 

Blessings,

Renita

 

Pull the Plug!

 

Want to know a secret parenting tip? Unplug your dishwasher. Yep, it’s that easy!

Years ago, our dishwasher broke. Actually, we were semi-professional dishwasher-breakers – we went through several of them in the course of a few years. “Oh well…” I thought, at least I have several “spares,”… aka - my able-bodied children.

In the meantime, while saving our pennies for the new time-saving device, we were forced to resort to washing the dishes by hand…every.single.meal.

During this season, I began to notice some parenting opportunities that I had been missing out on when the dishwasher was doing the work.


My children were learning to work together.


Living in a classic suburban setting, my children had not been exposed to the necessity and reality of daily chores. Sure, being a “good” homeschool mom, I had created the obligatory chore charts and manufactured chores that they needed to accomplish and check off. I proudly boasted of the cleanest light switch plates and sparkling baseboards in the neighborhood. But, really - we knew that these “chores” were often skippable… and they often skipped out.


But, on the dark day, the dishwasher died - the reality of necessary daily chores crashed onto our countertop in the form of 10 people using dishes 3 times a day! Thus began my search for the best way to divide the labor.


I tried “Boy Day” and “Girl Day” –that worked for a while, having equal numbers of both. I tried “Dish Teams” - alternating days. That worked for a while until the high school schedules upset the plan once again. Our current system looks like this - “Whoever makes dinner doesn’t help with dishes.” Shhh… nothing gets a teen more motivated to cook for everyone when they get to skip dishes!


I’d like to say “dish duty” was always a happy, cheerful time, with everyone gladly rolling up their sleeves to tackle the job with a smile on their face. But I’d be lying.


We learned quickly which person could dive right in with the “sooner we start, the sooner we finish” mentality. And, which of them could stall and postpone and avoid the work altogether. Let me assure you when siblings are assigned “dish duty” together –they will learn to work out those differences!


Many sibling squabbles were solved around the sink as they had to work together to accomplish the task.



My children were learning to serve.

A new appreciation for the preparation of meals began to take place. Knowing how much work it took to make a meal and clean it up became more real to my kiddos, who had previously gobbled it down, stuffed it in the dishwasher, and ran off without a second thought.


Too often, I had done all the real work in the kitchen. With the dishwasher out of commission, I did not have the energy or the time to do it “all” any longer. The children were needed to help. I noticed it didn’t hurt them, it helped them develop appreciation!


It became a training ground for learning to complete a task…all the way. Many times, “quality control” had to be applied to ensure the dish was truly clean, the counter was wiped down, the dishes were put away, etc.


I fell in love with a sign that reads - “Wash the plate not because it’s dirty, nor because you are told to wash it, but because you love the person that will use it next,” by Mother Theresa. It proudly hangs above the sink and reminds us that this chore is actually an act of love for those we get to serve.


The conversations over the sink became a precious time for connection.


In today’s world, we constantly hear how disconnected everyone is becoming. The digital world is pulling us away from face-to-face connections, and our children suffer for it.

Not if you unplug the dishwasher! You will get the opportunity to connect at least 3 times a day.

I have witnessed the amazing conversations that have taken place around my sink. We have discussed everything from God, politics, our future plans, and why baking with a muffin tin is annoying to clean and should be banned.

We’ve turned on the music, been silly, and had the best family dance parties ever.

We declared war, expressed frustrations, and snapped at each other with wet dish towels. Warning – this is not for the faint of heart and could result in minor injuries, which taught essential skills in apologizing and making amends.

We’ve cried and reminisced together while washing the “good china,” remembering happy family memories and holiday traditions.

We learned to show thankfulness for each other and genuinely appreciate the blessings of a clean counter and empty sink.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the dishwasher’s death had actually been a gift to us. So, for now, I have no plans to resurrect it. I do tell them when they all grow up and move away… I’ll probably buy a new dishwasher the very next day.



Don’t be afraid to pull the plug, pull up your sleeves and see what opportunities are waiting for you at the sink!




Blessings,

Renita

Lighten Your Load

 

We all get weary about this time of year… winter seems to drag on and on, our best intended resolutions have escaped us (again), and there isn’t a bright spot in sight to look forward to! We scour the internet looking for that special “something” that can brighten up our day, make school bearable again, and lighten our load.  May I suggest –we may be looking for “love in all the wrong places.”  What we need is rest – but, the www.whatever doesn’t have what we most need. I’ve been pondering what brings this elusive “true rest” to my day.  Of course, as Christians, we are familiar with the verse “Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest.” While this is abundantly true, I can find it hard to put it into daily practice in my homeschooling endeavors, especially in these years homeschooling high schoolers and having three post-graduates in the home. What are the things that are making you feel “weary and heavy burdened”?  For me, I realized that the load I was carrying was heavier than it needed to be and I had picked up some things that I should have put down.  I had been carrying them far too long –and the Lord gently invited me to come to Him and learn of Him and to find rest for my soul. Academic Expectations & Fear I had picked up numerous academic expectations along the homeschooling path about what we “had” to do. You know the ridiculous, but common, expectations that we have to do all the subjects, follow a specific scope and sequence, and excel at everything.  These expectations created imagined “requirements” that the invisible “they” will be looking for on the prized, golden transcript– my child’s ticket to success.  I really excelled at picking up all those unrealistic academic expectations and trying to meet them all! Along with these came fear.  Fear that we couldn’t meet them, fear that we wouldn’t measure up and fear we weren’t good enough!   So we worked longer and harder and those heavy “got-to-do-expectations” quickly consumed most of our waking moments;  got to do Algebra and beyond, got to have 2 years of an intense foreign language, got to have extracurriculars, got to have volunteer hours, got to take the tests (even take them over again for another couple of points), got to do college credit, got to follow the checklists.  (Actually – I kinda hate to admit this, I LOVE a good checklist –what a feeling of accomplishment there is to gleefully check something off!  I may have even a time a two, written something down just to get to check it off.  I think I’m a list-checking addict!) The rest of the verse in Matthew 11 intrigued me, “Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me…and you shall find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.” Our school days looked anything but “easy and light.”  I realized I needed to learn more from the Lord and to understand better what His easy yoke and light load was for us. I found that these heavy expectations I had taken on were fueled by fear and became the dictators of our days. What a gift it was to trade all those burdensome expectations and fears in exchange for His light and easy yoke!  It brought freedom. It brought peace. It brought us rest.  Instead of hurrying to finish all those “got tos”, we started to prioritize all the “get tos”.  It was a subtle shift from carrying heavy expectations to enjoying the journey with appreciation and gratitude. The Lord’s invitation to learn of Him allowed us to see all the many ways we had been given a gift of freedom in our days from the endless demands.  We get to set a more relaxed schedule.  We get to skip that difficult lesson and save it for another day when we may have more energy.  We get to customize our studies to our unique needs and unique callings. We get to push the textbook lessons aside and experience real life learning together. Can I encourage you?  Your children are loved by God more than by you (you know how much you love them!) You can trust Him to lead you and them.  Those expectations you picked up will only leave you fearful, feeling behind and worn out. As I relinquished some of my pseudo-academic expectations for my children, the Lord showed up (as He always does.)  Instead of a frantic pace created by trying to check all the boxes, we are learning to capture the moments, eliminate the unnecessary, and prioritize what the Lord is showing us to do.  Peace-filled days, better real learning, and rest followed.  And surprisingly, at least to me, none of my children have stopped learning and growing and excelling.  In fact, the Lord provided many opportunities to learn in very creative ways that we had been missing! Comparisons & Lies Along our journey, carrying comparisons started to weigh me down.  I’d like to think of myself as strongly independent, my own person who likes to do her own thing.  But, comparisons started sneaking into my heart and my home.  I would imagine what the “perfect” family looks like, and then look around at what my family looked like and feel discouraged or defeated.  I picked up more -–“I’ll try harder - do more” ideas for my schooling, my home, and what I should be doing and weighed myself down to the point of exhaustion believing the lies. I thought things like, “Maybe I need a shiny new curriculum or I need to join a popular co-op group to really make us love learning. All I need to do is spend the money, get on board and everything will be easier. Someone else knows better what my children need.” “Or maybe what I need, at least according to all the Instagram & Pinterest images, is a new look or an extreme home makeover.  Everyone else’s home looks perfectly coordinated and organized while their children sit eagerly around the fireplace waiting for the wisdom to drip from mom’s lips as they sip homemade hot chocolate and eat fresh sourdough bread. My home or situation must be our problem.”  My thoughts continued, “What we need is to sell everything we own and buy an RV to homeschool across the country next year. It’ll bring fun and adventure. What we need a complete re-invention of who and what we are. We should be like someone else.” But, the Lord intervened. He said “Come to me… learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  Could it really be that easy? He said He will give me the desires of my heart, He will supply all my needs, He has good plans for me, He will give me the strength to do all He has called me to do, and He is enough. All this helped me enormously. I learned to focus daily on Him and those comparisons and lies started to lose their attraction.  Refocusing my heart and home on Him gave us all a lighter and far easier yoke to carry. Doing It All & Pride Along with those pesky comparisons, I had picked up habits of doing everything myself.  A sort of misplaced pride– thoughts of “It is all my responsibility. If I don’t do it, who will?” and “It rests on me”filled my heavy sack. Moms, we are so good at this!  We learn quickly how to balance multiple responsibilities at one time caring for our little ones–even when they are no longer little.  We get so efficient and so good at managing everything we barely even notice that our “little ones” are fully capable of carrying their own loads. I was the one running our household, planning meals, shopping, cooking, cleaning… the list went on and on. Meanwhile, nearly fully-formed adults were living absolutely care and responsibility free in the shadow of my endless labors.  It was time to share some of the fun! And wow what changes came…and our house has one happier mama! Take a moment, look around your home.  What things are you doing that they could be doing?  Unload some of that.  Let them reap the rewards of learning how to plan, shop, & cook meals for the family (that could be an entire article.) Expect them to take care of the home you share - by cleaning, repairing, and LEARNING how to! This will serve them all of their grown-up lives, and you may have been inadvertently preventing them from doing it, by doing it all yourself. I had taken on the burden of being the one driving the direction of their plans after high school.  I was the one who worried through the transcript formation and scheduled the tests and planned the college visits and, of course, monitored their progress on all the checklists I could find! Instead, I realized my responsibility was to teach them to learn from the Lord and let them start directing their own path.  Is it possible that you need to do that as well? Maybe you need to stop doing it all for them.  I’m not saying to abandon your post as their guide and their cheerleader–I’m saying that the responsibility for determining their life plan is between the Lord and them, not you.  Point them in the right direction, and cheer them on!  Remember, in just several short years, they will not be students– they will be adults.  Start letting them flex their muscles so that they are strong and wise enough to carry their own loads. All these things and more have helped me bring the heavy load I was carrying to the Lord and trade it for His lighter, easier yoke. I’m learning to keep Jesus’ instruction of “Learn of Me” a daily priority. Blessings, Renita “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  - Matthew 11:28-30

Who Plays with Dandelions Anymore?

 

Sometimes I feel this yearning for something I can’t quite define. It’s a shadow feeling of something I used to know, but can’t quite remember. My husband and I were taking a hike (one of my favorite pastimes!). As we walked along, we passed a lush green field spotted everywhere with yellow dandelion flowers. Instantly, I grabbed one, and an old childhood rhyme came flooding back to me…”Momma had a baby, and its head popped off…” (don’t teach this one to your kids - I grew up in public school in the ‘70s!) and I playfully flicked the yellow blossom’s head with my thumb and sent it sailing toward my husband. I reached down and grabbed a handful of the long-stemmed fuzzy beauties and began to braid them into a new adornment for my hair as we continued our walk.

It suddenly hit me–no one plays with dandelions anymore! That yearning I was feeling was for a return to the simplicity of life, of sitting outside surrounded by beauty and being entertained by the simple act of plucking dandelions and marveling at them has almost disappeared from our over-scheduled, over-stimulated, over-hurried, over-burdened lives!

Can we undo this frenzied pace and intentionally slow down to play with the dandelions again? Oh, I hear your objections (because they echo at times in my heart too) –What if my children aren’t prepared? What if they don’t learn all that they need to get scholarships or go to college? What if they are “behind”? (That’s a whole new post!) What if I fail them? (Do you sometimes feel it all depends on you?) So, we pick up the pace and kept pressing forward.

Stop for a minute– does this sound like the Lord’s voice to you? The one with the still small voice that tells you His yoke is easy and His burden is light? I can imagine that Jesus probably played with dandelions– flicking them playfully at his disciples or tucking one behind his ear to display it in all its buttery yellow glory. I doubt He was worried that his disciples wouldn’t get high enough scores on any standardized tests or win coveted free rides to prestigious colleges. I’m sure He didn’t compare them to other saints and worry that they were “behind”. And I know He knew that He would never fail them, or leave them behind.

Can we really be bold enough to step off this hurried path and take the more scenic route with our family? I think we can intentionally chose to hit the brakes, really we can– we are in the driver’s seat! Here are a few changes our family has made to slow down and enjoy the journey:

WE TOSSED OUT TESTS AND ARBITRARY MEASUREMENTS AND TRADED THEM FOR TIME SPENT DISCUSSING WHAT WE WERE LEARNING AND FINDING FASCINATING.

So much of my early homeschool journey consisted of making sure we were not “missing anything”. I was constantly on the lookout for the perfect curriculum– the one that would ensure that my children didn’t have gaps and could test their way into success. And we were moderately successful at being great test-takers but not necessarily great at discovering what we found fascinating or interesting. I realized that this path leads to a somewhat flat and one-dimensional sort of learning. We knew facts, we could exercise our memories, and we could enjoy the small rewards of good grades. But, we didn’t have time to really think and dream and connect to what we were learning–especially as we sped through high school.

Lately, we have enjoyed a slower pace for our learning. Yes, even with high schoolers (I have 3 left - all in high school). I have ruthlessly eliminated many “good” pursuits, like dual college credit and ACT/SAT testing, and intentionally focused on less academics. I have even enlisted my children in choosing subjects they want to learn about. (Of course, I’m too much of a control freak to let them skip essentials like science and math!)

Instead of proving that they could memorize, I’ve spent time discussing what they have discovered. The results have been refreshing! I’m seeing them start to make meaningful connections, and offer creative insights. Their learning has become much more dimensional as the measurement tools have changed.

WE DITCHED THE ENDLESS OPTIONS OF OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES AND PUT THE PRIORITY ON FAMILY ACTIVITIES.

This was a hard one to give up. Outside activities are good, right? Socialization is necessary, right? Yes, but the current way of American life is not!

We used to have an overfull schedule with kids being carted off to activities every night of the week. Dinner was always an on-the-go affair, and evenings home together a rare event.

Our new schedule is quite different! Dinners at home, together, around the table, are more the norm. Our calendar usually has activities that are shared with multiple members of the family. The conversations at dinner and the shared experiences are creating a positive socialization that far outweighs the old way!

Time is precious, don’t be quick to sacrifice it.

WE REVISED OUR BUDGET AND PRIORITIZED OUR SPENDING FOR THINGS THAT BRING OUR FAMILY TOGETHER.

I’m about to get a bit personal here if you don’t mind. Our spending habits were contributing to our hurry and disconnection. We were investing in outside activities, the perfect curriculum, and the bells and whistles of keeping up with others.

Once we started making intentional decisions to simplify, we actually had more money to invest in things that moved us toward our goals. Take a hard look at where you are spending your money. A quick glance let me know that streaming services were eating up a huge amount every month. Eating out and convenience-style cooking were also adding up. Kids’ activities carried a hefty price tag as well. And, we don’t even want to talk about the curriculum costs incurred while searching out the best and most promising.

Remember, I said you are sitting in the driver’s seat? Push the financial brakes.

Disconnect a streaming service (or two) and pick up a book to read aloud together instead. You’ll be making family memories, encouraging imagination and I promise you’ll love it!

Start making dinner together–you’ll save money and teach them important skills they will enjoy for the rest of their lives.

Selectively choose the outside activities, and invest in things that bring your favorite people home. For us, it was skipping some much-wanted home updates to invest in an awesome deck for our above-ground pool, with the added benefit of acquiring some much-needed practical building skills!

I can’t tell you exactly what your priorities need to be. But I’m encouraging you to take an honest look and make bold moves. You won’t regret it!

With the ever-increasing pace of life right speeding past our doors, let’s be the kind of people who stop to play with dandelions and have our homes be places filled with rest and peace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is .light.” Matthew 11:28-3

Blessings,

Renita

crosswiredscience. com

Are You Measuring the Right Things?

 

Measuring Sticks Are you measuring the right things?

We have a fun “first day of school” tradition at our house.  I print out a little “Beginning & Ending” worksheet I picked up along the journey of homeschooling.  It has spaces for the all the usual - like how tall you are, what you weigh, some goals for the year, etc.  Then, we mark everyone’s height on the wall with painter’s tape. The tape marks usually stick around (no pun intended!) for a couple of days until I take them down.  We repeat this activity around the end of our school year, if we remember. Please tell me…I can’t be the only one who suddenly realizes that the school year ended, or um… fizzled out. We compare the measurements, and marvel at how many inches each of them grew in such a short time!  This got me to wondering, what are the measuring sticks I am using in our homeschool adventures?   Do different measuring tools show you different results?  Am I measuring their growth with the correct measuring sticks?  Very early in my journey, my measuring sticks included ridiculous measurements like - Did we finish all the pages in the workbook?  Did we check all the boxes on the lesson plan?  How did they score on a standardized, end-of-the year test - were they at “grade level” or better yet… above grade level for reading skills? Silly, now that I look back.  My measuring sticks were measuring the wrong things! They were measuring my children against some arbitrary standards set up by those who had never even met them. Or, worse they were comparing them to other children (that they didn’t even know).  The measurements were useless, really.  What they measured were things that didn’t matter in the long run.  Could they take a test? Could they check the boxes?  Not one of these measured what they really knew, or how much they had grown that year. I’d like to think I learned the lesson right away, don’t we all?  But as they grew I continued to use the wrong measuring sticks at times.  High school measurements included more boxes to check, more tests to take, and counting dual college credits or ACT scores to determine their growth.

The Lord has been gracious to teach me along this path.  The realization that my measuring sticks were measuring the wrong things has come gradually with experience.  (Thankfully, the Lord gave me multiple children to practice on…). In this season, I’ve had my eyes opened to new, and more effective, measuring tools.  I’m starting to see the shortcomings of superficial measurements that don’t address their hearts, minds, souls, and strength. Here’s a few of my new measuring sticks, some questions I’m asking to determine if they are growing: How is their time spent learning to invest in their personal soul growth in the Lord?  Are our days so jam-packed with curriculum and content that they have no time to spend with the Lord or with us as a family?  Do they know and love the Word more this year than last?  I know high schoolers can carry a heavy academic load, but the Lord promises an easy burden and a light yoke.  Have I modeled that to them, or made the focus of our time together only about academic growth? Am I earnestly investing in activities and plans that encourage growth in their hearts?  Did their compassion for others grow this year?  Are they learning to value people around them more and more?  Can they set aside their personal desires to help another family member get closer to one of theirs?  Do they have time to do activities they enjoy–just for the enjoyment, and not for credit on the transcript?  Is there enough quiet to listen to whispers in their hearts and freedom to chase their dreams? How about physically?  Am I putting priorities in front of them that neglect their need to have strong bodies and make healthy habits?  Am I encouraging them to take the time to move and build those muscles with practical, hands-on opportunities (sometimes at the expense of book or computer work).  Are they learning the extent of their physical capabilities?  Are they stretching to reach new goals? When measuring the growth of their minds, am I relying on a “find the right answer” approach, or using a score on a test to determine if they have learned or am I guiding them to really think deeply?  I’ve discovered that the “fill-in-the-blank” and “answer the quiz correctly” approach was really just an early step in the process of growing their minds.  Am I continuing to challenge them to look at things from different perspectives?  Can they make connections between ideas and come to conclusions? Am I teaching them to think and question, or merely memorize information?  Does it change the way they see the world? Can they confidently communicate what they believe and why? It can leave me with more questions than answers.  But I do know that it changes the way I use my measuring sticks to determine if they are growing well.  And it requires constant reliance on the One that knows them best to help me guide them along the path! I encourage you to reexamine the measuring sticks you are using.  Don’t be afraid to throw them away and go a new direction, it’s never too late to begin again. I’m praying for you, and I believe this is going to be a great year, full of growth! Blessings, Renita

There is no greater or higher measure of success than the praise of our Savior, saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant”  - Matthew 25:23

Stop Boring Them!

 

Stop Boring Them And start blowing their minds!

Remember back with me, back to the very first steps into your homeschooling journey… What were those BIG goals and dreams you had for your children?  I remember well embracing, “I want to create a “love of learning” and “teach my children to know and love God.”   But, along this 20-year journey, I’ve discovered I have repeatedly made choices that have actually been the exact opposite of that deep desire I had.  I’ve missed some precious opportunities to show my children WHO God is and help them fall in love with Him, and I’ve actually been guilty of boring them to tears instead of helping them be lifelong lovers of learning. So where did I take some wrong turns?  I’ve pondered this on more than one occasion– and I’ve come to some conclusions.  I hope some of this helps you too. The Same Old Approach  I’ve bored my kids with continuing to fall back on the same old approach…trying to find the “perfect curriculum” over and over and over.  Who said that “doing the same thing but expecting a different result is insanity?”  I think it was Einstein.   I’ve gotten distracted from my goals for my children by some very dull, predictable, and ineffective approaches… One main source has come via those big-but-empty textbooks.  This default approach of relying on textbooks to teach, especially for our high schoolers, is that they simply cannot deliver on their promises.  Those hefty-sized books are limited to only telling students (usually in black and white text) and never can really show them the wonder of God in living color!  Those endless pages of seemingly important information are actually filled with boring minutia that we all know we don’t really need to learn!   Furthermore, we further demean their love of learning by reducing the learning process to one of looking for a “right answer” and taking a test to prove that we learned the lesson over thrilling and amazing them with who God is and what He does and what that means for their lives.   Completely Useless Information What completely useless information were you forced to memorize, regurgitate and promptly eject from your memory forever?  I have a long list… I never ever, even one time, have used one upper-level math equation in my real grown-up life, nor have I ever diagrammed another sentence or found the knowledge of ten thousand things like prokaryotic vs. eukaryotic cells to be a valuable, life-changing pieces of information that I’m glad I stored up. The truth is, we are boring them to tears while heaping a heavy burden and load of meaningless school work for them to simply endure.  And, along this path we destroy their wonder, curiosity, and admiration for their Creator.  We miss the golden opportunity to be their “tour guides” and really show (not just tell) them the reality of who God is! Long Dull Lessons Another way I was boring my students was with long, dull lessons.  Why is it that someone decided that the best way to learn something is to spend endless hours listening to someone else’s opinion on a subject?  When do we really practice that in our daily lives?  And when, is only ONE writer’s opinion the only correct one?   For instance, a textbook curriculum writer becomes the definitive expert on a subject just because they wrote it– and we accept their information as rock-solid truth in a subject area.   When do we make adult decisions that way? We don’t.  We seek out a variety of counselors for a subject of importance; we research, we interview, and we analyze.  I realized I was giving my children a very limited viewpoint by utilizing a single source for curriculum. I realized I was boring them, dulling their discernment, and working against my goals for them to be lifelong learners with sharp, questioning minds. Avoiding “One Size Fits All” There are much better tools and resources to learn from than the same old approach, and we get to choose for ourselves which is most appealing and useful.  What a blessing to be freed from the “one-size-fits-all” approach and to pursue a path laid out for us by a good God who loves us!  I have learned to stop looking for the “perfect curriculum” and to listen to the Lord for the perfect plan He has for each child.  Segregating the Family From Itself Along the way, I also discovered that as my children have gotten older and more capable of learning on their own that I’ve disengaged sometimes from the learning process.  I’ve realized this is a huge mistake many of us make!  Our homeschool endeavor begins at home…together, and it should continue that way all the way through high school.  We have been given a gift, with responsibility, to be part of the plan God has for shaping them to be the tools He designed beforehand for them to become!   As my children grew older, we  also increasingly encountered philosophies that attempted to segregate our children into age or grade compartments.  This may actually be a not-so-subtle attack by the enemy to weaken the family structure that Satan hates so much.  We began joyfully, all around the kitchen table together– learning together, but by high school– everyone was beginning to be banished to their own age-leveled corner to continue on solo or, maybe worse, with only same-age peers.   Does it have to be this way? NO! I have discovered that you can completely disregard age/grade levels and teach your family together (with a minimal division for age-appropriate skills), even in those daunting subjects like science!  Our children need to be inspired by God’s greater vision for them, not just separated to “figure it out” alone. By staying engaged, we can inoculate them from becoming “a companion of fools.” Getting Back on God’s Course  I want to encourage you: The face-to-face, daily interactions you are having with your children are working toward your educational goals for them faster and more effectively than you realize.  You are the ONE that the Lord has chosen, in advance, to be your child’s teacher.  You have everything you need when you keep your focus on His direction for your family and your unique children.  Don’t let fear or comparison take that away from you.  And  don’t reduce your efforts to small achievements like getting them to college (with bonus points for scholarships).  Keep building precious shared memories together, stay engaged in the process, and enjoy the journey together! I got distracted at times and worked against my goals at times.  The great news is that  it’s never too late to get a course correction from the Lord and to get back up, start over and get back on track for what He has for you and your family!   Blessings, Renita

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”   Psalms 32:8